Sexy Food: Oysters And Lingerie Make The Birthday Boy Happy

Photo: Linda Miller Nicholson

This popular bivalve tingles more than just taste buds.

This week, the subject is food that not only nourishes, but serves another, naughtier purpose. Many foods are proven aphrodisiacs – honey, almonds, avocados and chocolate, to name a few – but the granddaddy of all is the incredible, edible oyster.

Photo: Linda Miller Nicholson

However, before we jump into the question of the week, I’d love to ask you gorgeous people a little favor. I have been nominated for the best twitter feed in the FOOD/DRINK category of the Seattle Web Awards. This is an annual contest hosted by Seattle Weekly, and I’d love it if you would cast a vote my way. If you want to consider my qualifications first, my twitter feed is available for your viewing pleasure @SALTYSEATTLE. I can promise that it’s chock-full of useful food content, but you can’t blame me if something NSFW occasionally slips out.

This week’s column is all about giving back to you, because I’m nothing if not a giver – and I mean that in every way you could possibly be thinking. Last week I put out a call for submissions from readers. I asked for questions relating to food, sex, or anything in between. I was flooded with some scintillating entries, and I’ve chosen one to feature as the basis for this week’s column. As promised, the winning entrant, Food Samba Girl, gets to take home a goodie bag of loot from the kind people at Estancia Lucia. Please keep sending in questions for the chance to be featured in this column and sometimes get something (besides a wealth of advice) free for your very special pleasure. This week’s question:

Dear Sexy Seattleite,

I want to make a special birthday dinner for my boyfriend who is not a very adventuresome eater. I love to experiment with food and I want to make this dinner new and exciting but still comfortable for him because it is his birthday. I’ve also never experimented cooking with aphrodisiacs and I thought this would be the perfect opportunity. We have been together for seven years and I think it’s time we took our sex life to seventh heaven. Don’t get me wrong, he has a great penis and we have amazing sex, but just thinking about bumping it up a notch is already making my panties wet. Do you have any suggestions?

Sincerely, Sex-Starved in Seattle aka the Food Samba Girl.

Well Sex-Starved, you’ve hit the nail on the head with this one. It’s true that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, so you’re right to want to cook a satisfying meal for your one true love. What they don’t tell you in idiom school, however, is that there is another way to your man’s blood-pumping organ, and that’s through HIS OTHER blood-pumping organ – you know the one I mean.


Photo: Linda Miller Nicholson

Believe it or not, the way to wakey your man’s snakey is not with a big steak and a bucketful of beer, as he may believe. No, that will put him into a drowsy state where he’d like a little nookie, but he’ll hardly be in any condition to return it with the vigor you deserve from his bedroom calisthenics. You need to focus this meal on sensual food that will pique his desire for dinner and ultimately other things.

According to Seattle oyster expert Jon Rowley, we are in the throes of oyster season here in Seattle. For about the next month or so, oysters are at their plumpest, most glistening and brimming with zinc and B12. B12 provides more than just an energy boost; it’s also proven to increase interest in sex and life in general. I like my oysters naked like I like my men, but if you must adorn them, something spicy and effervescent like the Sriracha bubbles in this recipe can serve a dual purpose. You see, spicy foods are known to increase libido; plus, when you get all hot and bothered from sliding a Sriracha-drenched oyster between your lips, there will be little recourse – save to remove your shirt to mop your sweating brow.

While I don’t know your man personally, I am willing to bet that the sight of you slurping down spicy oysters in nothing but a black lacy bra will be enough to rev his jets straight into your hangar.