Aphrodisiacs. Everyone knows the term. It’s against our basic human instincts not to. Sure, some may be a bit laughable. And others? Well, let’s just call them “unique.” But overall, aphrodisiacs are attention grabbing purely due to their carnal potential.

In all her glory, I don’t even think the goddess Aphrodite knew what would become of her namesake in our present day sexual climate, but here we are snorting rhinoceros horn and poaching the elusive male tiger’s equipment. So let’s say you’re a Seattleite, and you don’t have the time to go roaming the Chinese jungle for Shere Khan’s mangoods — what’s left for you in the aphrodisiac market? After throwing out common sense and placebo effect theory, plenty.

Let’s take a look at some of the more traditional aphros, and where you might find them in Seattle’s boroughs for this Valentine’s season:

Oysters

Don’t let the smaller, west coast oyster fool you — it still packs a salty punch and provides the sensual shape that has given it a consistent spot on the aphrodisiac list. With most edible aphro’s resembling the male member, the oyster is one of the few beholden (I guess) to the women’s vagina. Seattle, clearly, happens to be a seafaring town, and we are blessed with a good number of establishments more than willing to provide a kick this Valentine’s Day.

There are always the old standby’s like Frank’s Oyster House, Shuckers and Ivar’s (who is actually doing an aphrodisiac specific menu Feb 11 – 15), but for those who want to get a little more adventuresome, check out Bar Ferd’nand on Capitol Hill, or The Walrus and the Carpenter in Ballard. Even more crazy, maneuver the slippery floors of Pike Place and realize that “market price” is actually about half what you would pay at a restaurant, giving you and your’s the fun of prepping oysters at home. Better, should their effect take hold, the kitchen floor seems a much better option than a restaurant bathroom — but to each their own.

Chocolate

Dating back three millennia to Mexico, chocolate production and consumption has had a grip on civilization ever since. Its proof as an aphrodisiac is still up in the air, but chocolate has proven to engage the pleasure areas in the human brain due to its levels of theobromine and phenethylamine, alkaloids that are known to have physical effects on the body. Last time I checked, the feeling of pleasure was usually a solid stepping stone to the ultimate (you know, sex). Seattle is littered with chocolate shops, but a few of note have to be Chocolopolis on top of Queene Anne and Oh, Chocolate who also hosts candy making classes — an interesting form of foreplay if you ask me.

Alcohol

1.) Locate your nearest saloon / tavern / martini lounge / dive / speak easy / wine bar. 2.) Go. 3.) Drink. 4.) See what happens (all while making responsible decisions, of course).

Herbal Remedies

Word has it natural wonders like yohimbe, tribulus and maca can provide the boost, but in a sick twist can also kill you when taken in large doses. Worth the risk?

Depends who’s caught your eye, I suppose. Mirroring the likes of Holistic medicine, these herbal aphros sometimes fall to the wayside of proven remedies like penicillin, or lips to a neck. Should you be curious however, stumble into either The Herbalist in Montlake who is currently offering a discount on their “love potions,” or Tenzing Momo in Pike Place — which is worth a visit just for their name.

Physical Attractiveness

We’ve been dealt first-world cards on what our society finds attractive. This infinitely tends to be a male/female “in shape” with defined elements whether it be cheek bones or abs. It’s fine, I’m okay with it, and that’s the way it will continue to be — Oprah be damned. Aphrodite’s Greeks had stones to stay sexy, and we have yoga studios. For my money (which I spent) there’s only one option: Urban Yoga Spa. Located downtown, the studio offers incredible introductory rates ($100 for two months of unlimited sessions), an appropriately tempered staff, and an aura that makes you feel cool for being there. I can’t explain it. The classes are of hot nature, but I would much rather suffer the discomfort of heat and waves of sweat than a treadmill next to a grizzly bear.

You want Gaga classes? They have them. You want Madonna classes too? They have them. More, it actually works. You perspire the life out of yourself, but the release of endorphins, loss of weight, and gains in strength and flexibility are all worth it. And with the lights low, it’s not a bad way to scope out a new love interest either.

We’re not in elementary school anymore. Sweetheart candies and a card are not going to cut it. As adults, young and elder, the cost of participating in the love game requires a bit more, as well it should. Pressures to find a mate rise with age, and you only have so many chances to get it right. God speed on this Valentine’s Day, and don’t get caught in the bathroom.

Or do, if you’re into that sort of thing.