Think you have mad skills for winning someone over this Valentine’s Day? First of all, if you use the term “mad skills” it’s already clear that you don’t have them. And secondly, even the smoothest of ladies men can make an unknowing mistake from time to time.

Like beauty, romance is in the eye of the beholder. It’s entirely subjective. What one woman might consider an expression of love and devotion, another might consider a sign of desperation and clinginess. The key to success is knowing the woman in your life well enough to realize what they find romantic and sexy. With a little attentiveness and imagination there’s little doubt you’ll be able to woo that special someone this Valentine’s Day.

That being said, there are some of you out there who don’t pay attention, lack creativity and simply cannot read between the lines. And while we can’t suggest the perfect way for your heart to fully express itself to the one you love this Valentine’s Day, we can at least steer you away from some very bad ideas. Take it for what it’s worth — just don’t say we didn’t warn you.

A Toast to Remember

You don’t like to celebrate the holidays in the same clichéd way as everyone else, which is why you think you and your lady should get loco with Loko. Sure, this now infamous brand of caffeinated malt liquor was banned by the state of Washington last year, but you know a guy who knows a guy. And this guy used to work at a liquor store and happens to have a few cases of the contraband beverage. While your friends are all sipping lame champagne, you could show off your ironic hipster bona fides by putting together a unique Valentine’s Day toast she’ll never forget. (Or will she?)

Unfortunately, no romantic evening ever ended in a stomach pumping, so we’re going to remind you that there’s nothing wrong with being clichéd and lame one day of the year. After all, isn’t that really what this “holiday” is all about?

Some Snuggle Time

One of the most compatible aspects of your relationship with your significant other is your affectionate personalities. You both love to hug and cuddle and be close to one another. There’s no better time of day then when the two of you are curled up together on the couch taking in your favorite reality shows. That’s why you’re ready to take this thing to the next level and fork out $20 for a Couples Snuggie. This latest version of the infamous sleeved blanket provides twice as much room and a shared middle arm hole for hand holding. It’s easily the greatest product ever sold at the “Seen on TV” store.

There’s certainly nothing wrong with affection. However, if you’re looking for a product that would fast track your nomination to the “Worst Romantic Gift Giver Hall of Fame” this is the one.

A Romantic Movie

You’d like to have nice, quiet, low key Valentine’s Day at home. Just you and the woman you love enjoying each other’s company while watching a romantic movie. But you’d also like to celebrate the metropolis that brought the two of you together so you’re going with Sleepless in Seattle as your rom-com of choice. After all, what better way to inspire passion than by watching a movie about a man overcoming the tragic loss of his wife and a woman who’s so delusional she throws away a well-meaning fiancé for a faceless voice she falls in love with during a radio broadcast?

While your love for Seattle is to be respected, you should probably steer clear of this one. And remember there are plenty of mediocre romantic comedies in the sea. Just type Ashton Kutcher’s name into your Netflix search, and you’ll find most of them.

A Weekend Away

There’s nothing more romantic than getting away on a weekend adventure with the one you love. This Valentine’s Day you’d like to put the emphasis on “adventure” so you’re packing up all the fleece and Gore-Tex you can get your hands on so you and your lady can get away from everything with a little mid-winter camping. There aren’t many hours of daylight this time of year, which means you have lots of quality time with your gal in your two-person (aka one person) tent.

Congratulations on being a sturdy Pacific Northwesterner. But the only romantic way to celebrate the coldest, wettest, darkest time of the year is by a fireplace, not a camp fire. We’re pretty certain your significant other would rather day hike it around the neighborhood, then return to civilization once the sun sets.

A Romantic Walk

Most couples enjoy taking an evening stroll as a way of getting a little exercise while also reconnecting with the ones they love. The magnificence of this ritual is in its simplicity. But in your never-ending quest to burn as many calories as humanly possible, you’ve decided to ratchet up the degree of difficulty for Valentine’s Day and take your main workout partner for a power walk up Queen Anne Hill. After all, couples that blast their quads together, stay together.

There’s a more romantic way to work up a sweat on Valentine’s Day and it doesn’t involve trekking up the steepest incline in the city. This holiday was meant for stoking the flames of passion, not feeling the burn.

A Tour of Seattle

You love Seattle and want to share your affection for this fair city with the special lady in your life. So why not spend Valentine’s Day with both your loves? Why not soak in the Emerald City’s culture and history as a couple? And why not engage in this quest from the inside of a WWII amphibious cargo vehicle? You can’t think of a better way to bask in Seattle’s glorious history than by spending ninety minutes on a “Ride the Ducks” tour with a bunch of camera carrying out-of-towners.

Nothing drains the romance out of date more than jokey captains, group singing and quacking noisemakers. The Duck Boats may be a good way to show your grandparents the Emerald City, but when you’re hoping to get lucky opt for another idea.

The Gift of Art

You love your girlfriend more than anything in the world. She inspires you every day, and you’d like to use this inspiration to create a work of art that pays homage to the woman she is. However, your lack of painting and sculpting skills have left you without a proper medium for your message. But you’ve got an answer. You’re going to spell out her name on the Post Alley’s Wall of Gum. What could be a more moving tribute than stretching the letters of her name across bricks in a multitude of pre-chewed colors?

While we appreciate the desire to unleash your inner Van Gogh, we’d like to remind you that Van Gogh was crazy. And so is this idea. Spelling out your loved one’s name in rose petals wouldn’t be as original, but at least it wouldn’t trigger her gag reflex. (Sidenote: Refrain from making any “gag reflex” jokes until after Valentine’s Day.)

Make Her a Star

Your current relationship has gotten serious. This woman could be the one. And this Valentine’s Day, you want to give her more than just a gift. You want to give your love something that will last a lifetime, perhaps even longer. You want to give her something that will live for an eternity (or at least until the universe collapses on itself.) While all of her friends are receiving flowers and chocolates and jewelry, you’re going to give her the heavens. You’re going to name a star after her!

Even if your significant other found this idea to be a terribly romantic gesture (cheesy is probably more like it), it’s a waste of money in a part of the country that finds itself covered in clouds the vast majority of the year. Even a top of the line telescope won’t allow her to see the “Jenny Hermansdorfer” star when the sky is covered with a canopy of clouds.

A Special Dinner

A romantic meal is a Valentine’s Day staple and usually the precursor to a steamy night of passion. But rather than travel this well-worn path of five-star food, you want to mix it up. You want to choose an eatery that has character and is also a Seattle institution. So instead of making reservations weeks in advance for one of the city’s premier restaurants, you’re going to use this special occasion to show off your digestive fortitude by consuming one of the famous 12-egg omelets at Beth’s Café.

There’s certainly nothing wrong with this historic Seattle greasy spoon, but we have to assume there aren’t many women out there who’d want to watch you cram that much food down your pie hole. If there are, they’re likely spending their time as groupies on the competitive eating circuit.

An Important Introduction

A big step in any man’s relationship is the day he decides to introduce his lady friend to those who are important in his life. You’ve reached that point with your current girlfriend, and she’s already met your friends, your siblings and your parents. They all adore her, but now it’s time for the real test. This Valentine’s Day you’ve decided to introduce her to your favorite sports bar. This is your home away from home, the bar that has the best fried foods, and the place where you’ve spent some of the most significant moments of your life. And you’re sure she’s going to love its 27 flat screens just as much as you do.

If this woman is going to go the distance, she needs to accept you for who you are… but not on Valentine’s Day. This is the day you’re supposed to put your best foot forward. And we have to assume she doesn’t want to spend the most romantic day of the year sitting on a bar stool watching college basketball games while discussing the prospects of the Mariners upcoming season with the heavily tattooed gentleman in the Lofa Tatupu jersey.

Have a Valentine’s Date Nightmare that could trump any of these? Let us know — so we can warn (or, teach) men for years to come! Send an email to editor@seattleite.com.