This is a supernova cafe and I am a supernova bebe.

The planet Venus and South Lake Union’s little Café Venus have a couple things in common. It’s not the furthest place to travel to and it’s hot as effing fire. I walked to this vegan-friendly spot and was showered with lunarious options to rotate through. Check it.

Astro Nachos ($6.82 – add $3.64 for vegan meat and cheese)

Order this for the table to share or you must be a hongray motha; this portion is massive. Normally nachos are drenched in wet toppings, making the chips soggy when you’re halfway done. This plate was perfectly balanced and the fresh tortilla chips were crispy the whole way through. The salsa and jalapenos that hovered over the black olives, crumbly vegan taco meat and melted Daiya cheddar cheese gave me a kick. Shit was spicy. Josie, please confirm that I am in fact no weenie and it was dragonbreath spicy. Add a side of guacamole and it’s a stellarnarious starter. If only they had vegan sour cream…

Spicy Arugula Artichoke Dip ($7.73)

Fresh arugula and artichoke hearts created a somehow rich and velvety mixture (similar texture to a light, smooth hummus). How this cauldron of creamy dip stayed hot the whole time is beyond me. Radiation station. Another brain buster to add to the list of Prometheus questions you already complied. The sturdy yet thin pita triangles practically shot themselves into the red-hot-pot and then straight into my mouth. That was no mystery. They wanted in. I think the server read my mind because I can’t have enough cheese on my food. A thick coat of Daiya mozzarella covered the fluffy, lemony dip but of course, they sprankle some cayenne pepper (it’s not paprika, peeps) for some more hot fire. Ask for a spoon so you can zoom, zoom, zoom the inevitable particles that the pita can’t reach into that black (pie)hole of yours.

The Philly Experiment ($9.77)

Zetus lupetus, was this a surprise! I would never have chosen this particular sangwich, not because it didn’t look good, but because it’s not my normal go-to kind. I’m stoked major that I asked our server to choose or else I wouldn’t have gotten to try this. She also recommended a side of au jus so we could act as if we were of “regular dietary descent” and dip our sandwich into a salty broth, however this one was made with mushroom, not beef stock. The bread was soft, but held up very well with all the succulence of the spongy seitan steak chunks and juices of red bell peppers and of course, Daiya mozzarella. I would have loved the contrast of something crunchy, but the textures were bomb nonetheless.

We chose vegan chili as the side dish and I couldn’t be all that surprised that it was freaking picante as hell. Fire-breathing hot. Good thing my date for the night was the lovely and accepting Josie James Keeney or else my drippy nose from the spice woulda sent her running. Not cute. It was a little cup of supa hotness and hearty without being heavy. Add it to the nachos if you are a masochist.

Overall, Café Venus was solariffic. Hot and tasty. Bring a Kleenex with you because everything comes with a side of your own boogs. I give this place a solid cup of outer space gravy goodness.

The first person to guess what movie I referenced the most in this piece is joining me for another review. Anyone?

Cafe Venus |  609 Eastlake Ave E,  Seattle  |  (206) 624-4516